Helix, the last day, thoughts and reflections

Erik gave me the last two years of recorded Helix services. It made me feel warm, and it made me appreciate Erik more than ever – he thinks of those things. It also made me realize that I might not get to minister with Erik again for awhile and that stung. I put the CD’s in their box, neatly ordered inside the Gatorade cooler, I knew that was going with me and they wouldn’t fall out of there.

Then we worshipped.
Then we took communion.
Then we prayed.
Then we blessed and hugged.

As service ended, I thanked Jon for doing worship one more time, and we joked about football only being 30 days away. I guess that was my guys’ way of saying ‘thank you’ for his prayers during the service – and indirectly saying, ‘lets keep in touch’, life continues on beyond these doors. It was good stuff that he said.

Then we took the church apart piece by piece.
The busyness was a relief.

As the afternoon wore on, we loaded up and took the sound system out to Sunnyside, where it began. I looked at it sitting there in a pile, with all of its battle scars and memories still clinging to it like the stickers with which it was so-long labeled…and I sensed that the tide was changing and the numb feeling of constant activity would soon give way to sorrow. Very soon, very soon.

Then Travis and I drove home. And we talked and we reminisced for just a few more minutes, and then he and Kim departed.

I ate my Arby’s roast beef in about a minute flat, having not eaten all day. I opened a beer and it tasted good. Alanna and I silently went about bringing in the remnants of the Helix that we had claimed. I held the art in the sun and marveled at Travis’ skill with a brush. I must have stood five minutes looking at the painting, the view of Hawthorne so familiar, but strangely changed to my eyes. It was painted from a snapshot taken by person who I no longer am. The picture was taken by that man in another time, in another frame of mind, from another frame of reference. Had I known then what lay ahead, I would have been afraid, but I had my Jesus and that, I guess, is in the end, all that really matters. Then, Alanna and her mom and Ava left for Big-lots to pick up a table that Doreen had on-hold there.

Suddenly, the day with all its cares, was over. The busyness was done. And I was alone.

I walked out-side, glad for the first quiet of the day…long overdue at 6:10 PM.
I stood still for a few but shortly felt a restlessness flickering at my feet as the warm breeze rustled the trees, and the sun sank towards its 27,000 mph bath. I looked up towards the heavens as I often do, and said out loud to the silence “Love you Lord”, crossing my head and then my lips and then my heart as I sometimes do when I feel the Divine Profoundness pressing in on my temples. I learned it from the Catholics, a practice reminding myself whose mind, and mouth, and heart are these. And then I returned to my ponderings thinking the brief interaction over.

Suddenly, I again looked up and said, “it is just you and I again Lord”. And then the flood-gates opened. Burning hot and salty, without any chance of staunching this flow. I suddenly felt small and young again, but so very old too; all pumping up in shudder after shudder. Then slowly my reluctant tears gave way to silent sobs lest the neighbors hear from their patio and think something very wrong. I felt anguish – deep in my soul, at once a rush of emotions, and sadness, and relief all blended into one. Then up came memories good and bad, friends found and lost, friends living and friends having passed. All these things I watched and wept. Knowing that who I am has died, the new has come, and with the new come the trials and transitions and hurts that must accompany the task of loving others as we have first been loved. This is my first experience of laying down a commission at the Lord’s feet, and sincerely giving it back to Him. It is very strange indeed, defying all that I have come to know and understand as fitting the definition of the word ‘progress’. This decision has required great determination and at a personal level, all the trust that I can muster – daily having to work through to the re-conclusion that God is indeed, Good and nothing apart from Him bears that title.

My greatest fear is that the doors of ministry are shut, and that never again will I be able to teach, or lead, or be aligned with people like all of you again.

I think it is a rare and blessed problem with which I am faced. Rarely, do pastors get to walk away knowing that behind them is only good, is only what God has done, is only love, and change, and camaraderie, and friendship. This is a rare gift indeed. The sorrow lies in the fact that this exact ensemble. This exact and blessed group will never again be put together in this fashion and for all the very best reasons this causes me to grieve. To grieve for good reasons is my own definition of what is best meant by ‘sweet sorrow’.

As I stood there still sobbing on the back patio, I knew that the crescendo of grieving could not yet be at its zenith, not yet even be close to being ready to surrender to the everyday cares of life. I knew, and still know, that it is a pain that I must allow to wash through and over me. I must allow that stream to run until it runs dry, or it will do me harm if it is kept inside. As I watched it pass there, standing in the sun, I realized just how much I love you all, and just how much I desperately want you all to succeed. It is a desperation born of seeing so many fail and fall. You are all the best, and I want you to know that Alanna and I did the very best we could in this season of life to love you all well. For those for whom we have fallen short, I am very sorry. For those who feel well loved, we are thankful that you do.

For having the chance to be a part of, and even to lead the Helix, it has been my privilege and I feel more qualified and less worthy than I did at the beginning. You are all magnificent followers of Jesus and I want you all to walk away from this experience, if with nothing else, than that your eyes are now, more than ever firmly fixed on Jesus.

Then, the sun seemed dim through my tears and I realized I must write – I must hammer at the keys these things - and to its end, here it is.

This is my letter to you all saying, I love you. Fare thee well. We love you. Keep following Jesus. Don’t ever give up. Stay in touch. We are family now. Even if time and distance separate us, we are all adopted family and the blood of the Lamb is thicker than water.

Speakeasy in October so Cheers! See you there.

Rock on Helix. This party ain’t over yet. We’ve got a ways to go before we are home.

Blessings,
A.G.

Rev. Andrew Goodwin

I was just notified by the creativity police that I posted an entry very similar to Sloop's entry about Lola. (http://sloopsicedeck.blogspot.com/) I just wanted to clarify that mine was NO attempt at friendplagiarism at all. I was just staring at my dog and started typing about what he was thinking. Zach and I are very close and I was realizing I had never written about my buddy and his watery, phenylbarbatol ridden little brain with the very big heart.

The fact of the matter is - the saying 'its time had come' is very true - Sloop and myself are just creative geniuses. What can I say? We simply both thought of the perfect blog entry circa the same time unbeknownst to one another. So I started thinking about what Sloop might be thinking at this very moment. I couldn't really think of anything clever since I am not him. So I decided instead to write about what I am thinking. Again, I could not really think of anything. I think my brain-waves are being muted by the sounds of 'Bad Boys' playing in the background. Will Smith may be cute to some, but I think he is only a vaguely amusing formula actor. Not formula in the sense of Brando - because that would be flattery - more in the sense of, well, Will Smith, or maybe that guy in Napoleon Dynamite.

A.G.

Replace. New Picture. One of my favorite Helix logos yet. We should have a contest and come up with a cool new 'official' logo for our church. 

Zach Thoughts

I am laying on the floor, worried. Dinner is late. So late. I am losing my senses. I am in a bad way, in fact, I can't feel my legs. I can see one of them and it looks fine, but the rest of my limbs must have gone numb - maybe when I lay on them I can't feel them anymore. I wonder if they are still there? If I can't see them are they still there? How do I know they are not actually gone, its hard to prove anything - especially when there is always someone else who looks exactly like me blocking my view to the mirror. Selfish.

Anyway, I had better walk around and shake this feeling off. My head itches, I wish I hadn't lost my hands during that last nap. Walk around, walk around, shake it off, you're fine. Man, dinner is really late. I AM worried. Don't they KNOW that I have epilepsy? I could die here! Once every twelve hours, I had better sleep, or pace around, maybe I could patrol every room and look for that thing I keep forgetting whenever I think about that other thing and then get distracted by my own state of starvation. What is keeping everybody? Aaaaahhh. I need my dinner!!! Ahhh, 12 hours PEOPLE. I wish I could open my mouth and say something. This place is so oppressive - everybody talks so fast and they only say the things that really matter once in a great while. Things like dinner, and dinner, and treats, and love, and dinner, and poop, and bedtime. Now that's what matters. My head itches. I wish I had hands. Evolution is so unfair.


Zach sleeping. Dreaming about his next meal, or a field of glorious dandelions with endless fields of smelly things hidden in between, like easter eggs.

Replace: new picture. We should have a run-off for the coolest new "official" Helix logo - maybe we can make it an annual thing

I Recant

Okay, I recant. After I said I had nothing to say - I felt a deep conviction that I did have something to say, but that I was letting my own silly nature get in the way today. Probably 'cuz I am emotionally and mentally beat at the moment. The last couple months have been exhausting - but also tremendous spiritually - I have not felt this alive in a long, long time. God is good, and His vision for the future is imparting life into our community, into our individuals, and into each of our personal relationships with God.

I thought of this Psalm as fitting for the season. There will always be trouble - there will always be issues and stress - and we will often have brought it on ourselves! But the fact of the matter is that it is not about whether or not we make mistakes - whether or not we sin - we ARE going to sin - we are going to fall and many times! But the key indicator is learning.

When we have trouble - what happens? If we put our trust in Him - a) we will never be ashamed b) we will be open to hear His voice c) He will teach us the correct way to go and how not to repeat our mistakes d) We will have the power and assurance of His salvation actively and daily at work in our lives. We make mistakes daily; if we work on those mistakes daily; then we are also in daily contact with His faithful instruction, correction, and life. The assurance is that as long as we are making mistakes and learning from God in prayer and His word - what the right way should have been - then that is an actual proof of his Love and care for us.

Hebrews 12:10-11: "Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Read through this Psalm! look at all the discussion that goes on about learning, teaching, instructing, correcting - why He does it, and what kind of a reflection that is on His nature and His love towards us, His children. I like it, I like it a lot.

(btw, stumbled across this factoid, we geeks will love it: This psalm is an acrostic poem, the verses of which begin with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet - Free Starbucks to the first person who can reply comments with WHAT THOSE LETTERS ARE - add-shot if you figure out which Hebrew letter is also the letter of Messiah. First wager on who I will owe coffee to - just the initials - Lavalier.)

Psalm 25 Of David.

1[a] To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. 3 No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.
4 Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
5 guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
13 He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
22 Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!

Living Vicariously

Do you ever feel that life is mundane? That you are stuck in a rut. I don't usually feel that way - in fact I love my life - and virtually all of the wonderful persons in my life. However, once in awhile - just to keep it interesting I like to live vicariously. So, let me tell you about a really awesome party that I never actually attended. Perhaps, with a few historical revisions, MY party might even be better than THE party. This is cool. I can still make this the best party I have never attended.

I heard this killer story about my friends party - I of course would have attended, had I not been trapped aboard my chartered Lear (sp? - does it matter, its VICARIOUS dude) jet somewhere over the Bahamas. You see, the day before, while sipping Martinis and telling hilarious 100% true tall-tales with the pilots (all former Gulf War aces, of course) we had drifted somewhat off course and been forced to lay-over in a miserable little all-inclusive resort on Saint Croix. Anyway, back to the facts; as I was waylaid by these unfortunate circumstances, this fabby party was going on in glorious Portland. BTW, Portland IS the place I call home, and not just because I live there. It is also the most wonderful, balanced, fiscally sound, and morally upstanding city in the world. Swear (here). The city is so free from crime, and corruption that babies are able to crawl about willy-nilly and people just stop their cars and mill about while waiting for them to cross; filling the time laughing and telling stories about how great their 401K is doing and how much they appreciate the new iTax that has been implemented to save the city from the great evil of extra money that otherwise would have been spent on our own, well contained, completely deniable, selfishness that never hurts anyone else anyway (sheesh). Oh, - and there is no stress in Portland, because we have all been liberated and everyone is allowed a 90% flextime work schedule.

Wow, completely off track and where did the focus go anyway? Back to the point: the story of the party. There I am flying over all those pitiful souls trapped in the Bermuda triangle (why anyone would travel by boat after all those Ripley's Believe it or Not Documentaries have so firmly established what goes on there is just beyond me) missing this out-of-this-world mojito (pronounced with a hard ‘j’ of course – everyone who has ever studied Spanish knows this) party. To sum it up, there was drinking of Mojitos, dancing, running around in the mud, squishing mud between toes, and a 3 person re-enactment of that one Pearl Jam concert where everybody got muddy and the only description they could come up with was VS. – that’s not even a whole word.

A.G.

Gold & Fire

Gold and Fire
by Andrew Goodwin

I've seen your heart, on the funeral pyre.
You've grown so old, you've grown so tired.
You know your end, and it is filled with fire.
We all end up there, even those with hearts of gold.

I've seen my heart, on that same pyre.
Worn and old, paper thin from trying.
Aged at birth, dying for life.
Death's forceps make brief allowance,
For the passing of the alchemist's dream.

Like tares in the sheaf, good only for burning;
It seems, my life is wood and paper.
Kindling split from imagination's trunk
Reduced to vapors in a second.
The frozen moment that lasts a lifetime.

Wreaths encircling and haunting, bound to serve.
Altars raised to ward off the mercy of forgetfulness
Lest dreams once treasured be forgotten.
Oasis-mirage leaves but a bitter remark.

Today, I will burn with you
Upon your funeral pyre,
If you will stay judgment.
Stay with me and chat awhile.
Speak, in tongues of fire;
If only for a second.
Let us converse, you and I;
Of the days of gold and sun.

And as we speak, let us build
An empire of hope, renewed.
Let us douse the acrid embers and pray,
For sacred wind and cleansing fire,
"Bind me to your heart of gold, beneath your wings,
hide me by your heart of fire, in the shadow of your wings.
And when I awake may I be where streets are gold."